A Beautiful Mess

I generally pride myself (mistake #1) in being a rather self-composed woman…if such a thing exists.  I usually don’t get upset when “bad things” happen and I try to keep the “bad” or “stupid” things to a minimum.  I always try to completely think through every decision and weigh every option for each and every possible benefit or consequence.  I try to be as careful as possible in everything I do so that I don’t screw up.  I hate screwing up.  To me, screwing up means failure.  Sometimes when a small stupid thing creeps in to my life, I can handle it with grace and composure.  Like I said, I pride myself in being self composed.

I’m sure you’ve heard the Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Over the last 2 months, I fell…quite a few times.  I don’t mean literal falls rather intense spiritual and emotions falls.  It all began with my mother’s health.  The woman who is always so strong for everyone else and who takes care of everyone else now requires our help.  I began to worry about the “What ifs.”  God blessed her and began healing her body. 

Trust Me…

Jerrad and I have such a wonderful relationship with each other.  About 3 1/2 weeks ago, we traded out vehicles so that he could haul my lawnmower to his house.  The last thing he said before he left was “Don’t let anything happen to my truck.”  A funny thought crossed my mind…wouldn’t it be funny if he wrecked my vehicle.  It sure wasn’t funny when he called at 6:41am telling me he had just had a wreck in my vehicle.  After the initial shock of a relatively minor accident passed, I began to worry again.  The self-proclaimed, self-composed women isn’t so much anymore.  I’m in near-hysterics at 7:59am on a school day.  My insurance is going to go up…how will we pay for this…what will i drive…

Trust Me…

So I get a rental vehicle.  It’s actually a quite nice dodge truck.  I opt not to purchase the $12.99+ tax per day supplemental insurance.  Afterall, I’ve never had an at fault accident and the only accident I’ve ever had was almost 10 years ago.  On Sunday, I hit a mailbox.  Since there was as car coming in the opposite direction and in my lane, the mailbox lid was open, and on a narrow two-lane road, the trooper was nice enough to write it as the other person’s fault.  I’m hysterical once again.  I’m so upset by everything, I end up taking Monday off to “recover.”  I get a phone call from my insurance company informing me that I have met my $500 limit for the rental vehicle.  Then I get another call from the rental company telling me that not only has my $500 max ended, it ended 3 days earlier.  So now I owe a $250 deductible for the first accident, a $200 deductible for the 2nd accident, and a $107 charge for the 3 days insurance didn’t cover the rental.  And somehow I’m supposed to pay all of this at once, in addition to my car insurance ($350/6mos), my car taxes, pay for the 3 rounds of bloodwork taken last week, and help pay for a wedding.

I broke down.  Monday I fussed at God.  Althought his voice wasn’t techinically audible, I heard every word.  The conversation went something like this:  “What do you want from me?” I asked (yelled).  Trust Me.  Seriously, God, what do you want from me?  Trust Me.  But God, I do trust you!  Do you really?  Yes, I do!  Trust Me completely.  Yes, I trust you completely…ok maybe not completely.  But I’m trying to trust you.  You’re not trying hard enough.  Ok God, teach me to trust you.  Help me to trust you with the little things and with the big things.  And then our conversation was over.

That was it!  That’s what HE wants from me.  Every day in every part of my life he wants me to Trust Him!  Since Monday, when I feel anxious or begin to worry, I heard his voice again…Trust Me.

Trust Me….