A Beautiful Mess

Oh so much on my mind lately. I guess that’s why I haven’t blogged in several weeks. This has been the year of changes. I’ve blogged about many of those changes in recent posts. There has been so much on my mind (nothing bad) that I haven’t had the energy to put it in writing. So now, it’s 11:35pm and I have to be up at 6:00am. I made the mistake of drinking a non-decaf cup of coffee when I got home. I can’t sleep so I’m hoping that writing will be very therapeutic for me tonight.

July 4 will be 3 months of marriage for Jerrad and me. To be honest, things have been great. We’ve only had one fight and it was because I told him I wasn’t qualified for a job. He got mad at me for putting myself down. That was it. I’ve learned more about myself in almost three months than I have in the last 3 years. I learned how truly selfish I can be. I’ve learned that I can’t get my feelings hurt because he didn’t do something (or did do something) if I didn’t tell him exactly what I wanted to begin with. I learned that I’m much more emotional than I ever realized. But I also learned that I’ve been robbed. Sounds strange, huh? Last night Jerrad and I had dinner with a family where the husband and wife had been married for 11 years, had their first child after 7 years of marriage, then had their second child last year. They are best friends. I think 7 years of marriage with just the two of you would make you best friends, would teach you how to enjoy each other’s company, to find comfort and joy in each other. I’m jealous. I wish Jerrad and I could have met and married earlier so that we could have had more time to enjoy and get to know each other. There are no plans for children anytime soon, but we don’t want to wait too long as I’ll be 30 {{yikes}} on Tuesday.

Right now, I hate church. That’s right, I said it. I hate church. And not for any of the reasons you may be thinking. Background info…when Jerrad and I got married, I moved 45 minutes (about 30 miles) away from my hometown because he owned a house and I didn’t. Plus, his house payment was cheaper than any rent around. Because of the distance of the move, I have had to change churches. It just really isn’t feasible for us to drive 45 minutes to church twice a day on Sunday and once on Wednesday, and all the other times. I had been at Arial for about 10 years. My whole family goes there. My best friends go there. It was home for me. We have been going to NHBC, a church very similar in makeup to my home church. It’s just not the same. I miss Arial. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the feeling that everyone knows me and my talents and that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I miss that everyone knows me and I know their names. I miss having people to talk to. I don’t mean the casual small talk that I hate having with people I don’t really know just to keep from having awkward silence. [By the way, I don't mind awkward silence. The shy introvert in me enjoys the silence. It's much easier than making up something unmeaningful to talk about.] Anyway, I’m talking about talking with my friends about Crazy Lady, and Bobcat, and Burnout, and the list goes on. Things that only we know about but that mean so much to us! So needless to say, church just reminds me of what I don’t have anymore. I’m sad, but a little interested and excited to see what God has in store for me.

And speaking of church, Jerrad and I visited another church. Gasp! It’s a little more contemporary than NH, but we really enjoy the music. The preaching is NOWHERE as good as Brian’s. More than anything, we want to attend a church where both of us can be used, where we’ll have joy in what we do, and where both of us have or can make friends. Making new friends is very important to me right now since I don’t have any around here and I can’t expect mine to always make the trek up here to see me (making friends isn’t always easy for the shy introvert). But we’re praying and seeking God’s will and taking advantage of every opportunity he presents us with.

One last comment on this epic post…I’ll be 30 on Tuesday. I don’t feel 30. I really believe that age is just a state of mind. I still feel 24-25 and I haven’t started to have the aches/pains that everyone said I would by now. My sister-in-law tells me it’s only because I haven’t had kids yet. lol! Looking back over the last 30 years, I have been tremendously blessed. I can only hope that the next 30 will be just as great.

Goodnight. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. That is after I watch a Friends rerun.

This last week has been a whirlwind of adjustments.  Many things have come naturally for Jerrad and me.  He automatically assumed the outdoor chores and I took on the inside chores.  I expected adjustments on routines and other everday stuff, but I wasn’t prepared for the exhaustion of caring for another person.  Dont get me wrong, I love him very, very much, but it has been difficult to go from caring about him to caring for him.  No longer is my afternoon routine about coming home, checking my e-mail, watching tv, finding something to eat, and the straightening up here are there.  Instead I find myself worrying about when I’m going to do the laundry, what are we going to have for supper, will I have enough groceries to last us both until payday, what if I don’t get the bathroom cleaned…and the list could go on forever!

And if the adjustment to the mundane hasn’t been strange enough, our quality time has been compromised…by other people!  It seems that now that we’re married, we don’t see each other anymore.  Of course we sleep in the same bed and eat dinner together, but it’s not the same.  The evenings consist of so many errands and the weekends have so many engagements that we stay apart.  Suddenly people have been inviting us to do things individually when we’d rather spend the time together.  I remember my college campus minister, Eric Pratt, warning us of that problem, but I thought it wouldn’t apply to me (like most of his other words of wisdom, I’m finding them to be true).

Last night I had about enough of it all.  I was tired, ill, and couldn’t see any way out.  All I could think about was everything that had to be done and no time.  I even told Jerrad I couldn’t go to church tonight because by the time I cooked supper, got to church, and came home, it would be time for bed and my day would be gone.  As a side note…I am a total perfectionist and a bit of a control freak and I am 100% happy in my marriage.  I just don’t like feeling like I don’t have control of things.

Well, God showed me today who is really in control.  I got up this morning, still feeling a little sorry for myself.  I was driving to work, still frustrated, and hitting every red light on the way here.  I even tried praying.  Suddenly my mood lifted and I began to feel better.  I think my Mama was praying for me this morning.  I know she had to have been, because not long after I got to work, she called to say that she was cooking dinner for us tonight and all I had to do was come by and pick it up!  What a blessing!  It’s strange to me how something so small can be so meaningful and so needed!

Now, if we can just make it through the next two weeks, it will be smooth sailing…at least until something else comes up!

For the last couple of weeks, I haven’t had any problem getting gas.  Most of the stations around here have had plenty of gas except for ones right off of 123 or at a major thoroughfare.  Yesterday, things changed a bit.  I had to meet Jerrad at his brother’s house in Central (about 15 miles away).  My gas light was already on and I was below the line.  I knew I’d pass at least 5 gas stations on the way there so I wasn’t worried, until, one after the other, they had no gas.  I started to panic.  After I got into Central, I drove to 2 more gast stations with no luck.  I was praying the entire time that I wouldn’t run out of gas and that the next station I came too would have plenty.  I went on to Jerrad’s brother’s and he told me of one last place to try.  I doubted there would be gas there, but still I drove on and prayed.  I had to wait in line for 20 minutes but fortunately I was able to get some at the not too cheap price of $3.99 per gallon.  I put in enough to last a few days.  I just keep hoping and praying this gas shortage ends soon…VERY soon.  Next week, I’ll be driving to ATL for a school conference then next Friday, my family is heading to Gatlinburg.  I hope we don’t get stranded!

What’s the lesson for me?  First, don’t let my car get below 1/4 tank in such an uncertain time.  Second, this experience teaches my about my own relationship with Christ.  Often in my Christian life, I run on a major spiritual event.  I often neglect my daily relationship with Christ.  I draw from that spiritual strength until one day, I have nothing left.  I start panicking.  Nothing at church fills me up.  Nothing I think or feel fills me up.  And nothing anyone else says can fill me up.  It’s not until I take an extra step of faith and get one on one with God that I can finally get relief and that my spiritual gas tank can be refilled.